This time

Today has been long… Too long, it seems. Being sick, I have been shut up inside my own head all day.

I just came out of an incredibly busy season, and as I look forward to what is coming, I can’t help but be a little bit afraid.

See, I’m approaching a new chapter in my life, an I’m terrified about it. I think back on what I have gone through, and the changes in my life that have happened, and I miss it. I honestly feel like I have hit a midlife crisis at age 22… Does this mean I get to skip it in my 30’s???

But seriously, I look and wonder what exactly I have accomplished in life. I have traveled, and I have invested my time an energy into an amazing church, but I feel relatively unnoticed. I’m not particularly interested in the limelight… In fact, I don’t know exactly what I want.

I know that I don’t want to be prideful, and I don’t want to be a person that takes but never gives. At the same time, I don’t want to live just a mediocre life.

I’ve seen the rat race, and I understand the stakes when it comes to making it big. I know that it’s easier and more comfortable to just let the world pass you by. I don’t want to get into the rat race, because for me it’s not about how much money I can make, but how many lives can I change. What can I do to make this world better?

And at this point I feel the anguish, because it’s a hard job to change the entire world, and very few people have successfully done it. But this is where I realize that with God, all things really are possible, especially for those who wait upon the Lord.

It’s not easy making something of your life. It’s not always easy to find a purpose that gives you passion, and especially one that will give you passion for years to come. These things take time. And as I step back and look at this time, where it seems like nothing important is really happening, I can see that it is making me into the person I am meant to be. This is the time where I learn friendship, love, independence, value… This is the time that will keep me human once the other time fully arrives. And I am grateful for that, not matter how it may make me feel now. This time of insignificance, is actually the catalyst to greater significance.

And that makes this time, utterly and incredibly significant.

So I will look forward with hope, because I know that in order to grow, the seed must remain alone, in the cold, damp earth only for a time before it can look up, and raise its newfound branches toward the sun.

And Jesus said to him, “‘If you can’! All things are possible for one who believes.” (Mark 9:23 ESV)

but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:31 ESV)